Marriage coaching with Greg Burnham, LMFT
Marriage coaching for men in long marriages that have gone quiet.
Twenty or thirty years in, the fighting may have stopped, and so has a lot of the closeness. I help men find the pattern underneath and change their side of it. Couples are welcome too. We can meet by video or in person in Boise.
27 years
working with families
LMFT
licensed marriage and family therapist in Idaho and Utah
By video
coaching from Boise, anywhere in the US
What men bring me
Many men come to me decades into their marriage, with the kids grown or nearly grown. Some say no matter what they do, it’s wrong. Some say she’s gone cold, in the bedroom and everywhere else.
And some say things have actually gotten better, because the fighting stopped. That’s the one I worry about most. The quiet usually comes after the anger. When a wife stops bringing complaints, she has often stopped hoping they’ll be heard.
Why the advice hasn’t worked
You’ve probably heard the list. Listen more. Go on more dates. Be more of a leader. Stop trying to fix everything. You may have tried most of it.
Most of it is decent advice with no target. Almost every stuck marriage has a pattern running underneath it, and effort that misses the pattern mostly goes to waste. Sometimes it makes things worse, because she can tell the difference between real change and a new technique.
Finding the pattern
The men I work with are usually good men using the tools that made them successful at work. At home those same tools can become the problem. A man who solves problems all day tries to solve his wife’s feelings, and over the years she starts to feel managed.
- 1
See the pattern
Step back from the day-to-day long enough to see what keeps repeating.
- 2
Find what’s driving it
Often it’s a habit that worked well early on, or a belief about what a husband is supposed to do.
- 3
Change your side of it
Specific things to try between sessions, adjusted to what actually happens at home.
If she’s talking about leaving
Sometimes a man reaches out after she’s said the word, or after she’s stopped saying much of anything. The instinct is to do something big, like a long letter or a promise that this time will be different.
Those moves usually confirm what she already believes, that you only change under pressure. What tends to help is slower. You stop pushing and start changing your side of things for your own reasons, and she sees it over months. There are no guarantees here, and I won’t pretend otherwise.
If she has already filed or moved out, I’ll still work with you if you want help. I’ll just be more careful about what I promise. The changes are worth making for your own sake either way.
Greg Burnham, LMFT
Where I come from
I’ve been married for more than 30 years, and we raised four kids together. I’ve spent 27 years working with families, and long marriages often get stuck the same way families do: good people working hard on the wrong thing.
Licensed marriage and family therapist in Idaho and Utah, working now as a coach.
Common questions
My wife won’t come. Can I start on my own?
Yes. When you change your side of the pattern, the whole marriage can start to move, even if she never comes to a session.
Do you work with couples?
Yes. When both of you want to work on it, we mostly meet together. A wife is welcome to reach out on her own too.
Can you help after an affair?
Yes. Affairs are more common than most people realize, and I work with couples and individuals going through them.
When isn’t coaching the right fit?
If there’s abuse in the marriage, I won’t coach toward keeping it together. Your safety comes first, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) is a good place to start. Severe substance addiction that isn’t being treated needs treatment first. If you’re in crisis, call or text 988. On the first call, I’ll tell you honestly if something else would serve you better.
Is marriage coaching the same as marriage counseling?
Not quite. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist working as a marriage coach. Coaching doesn’t diagnose or treat mental health conditions. It’s practical, with specific things to try between sessions.
Do you work with people of faith?
Yes. I work with people whose faith is central to their marriage, and with people who have no faith or feel hurt by it. We’ll start from whatever your faith means to you.
Do we need to live in Idaho?
No. Coaching happens by video, so men and couples anywhere in the US can work with me. In the Boise area, we can also meet in person.
What does it cost?
Coaching is private pay, which means I don’t bill insurance. It’s billed monthly, and the cost depends on your situation. I’ll talk about it openly on the free call.
Start with a 30‑minute conversation.
It’s free and by video. Whether or not we work together, my goal is for you to leave with a clearer read on what’s happening.